I told my parents about bae, but now we aren't getting along!

You were sure he or she was the one, and all of a sudden, your relationship nose dives into dangerous, my parents are going to disown me territory. What do you do? Do you tell your parents? Do you keep it a secret? Read on for helpful tips. 

First things first, keep your problems with bae between you two. I don't know if this is obvious or not, but anything, absolutely anything that happens between you and bae, should stay between you and bae. Whether you're happy as can be with your partner or binge eating to dampen your worries about your failing relationship, you've got to keep some things sacred. You've worked so hard to gain your parent's trust and accept interracial dating that the last thing you need is for them to see a crack. Also, consider when you're married and having problems, do you involve your parents? Probably not. You need time to figure out what is happening, what you can do to work on your relationship and if it's going to work. Once you've got that figured out, then it's best to open up to your parents.

Now, if you and bae don't work out, you still want to ensure your parents view your relationship positively. Don't share the nitty gritty, as it may turn them off of interracial dating and don't speak negatively about your ex, as this will only confirm their thinking of interracial dating. Instead, simply say that you just couldn't see the relationship progressing further. Don't share your tears, your worries, your decreased appetite, your tinder profile, or your rebound bae! Listen to me, pull it together! You've got this. They need to see you as a self-sufficient adult that can make decisions and stand by them. You also don't want your parents to view your partner negatively, as we all know that getting back together is always a messy probability. 

What are some tips you have for when telling your parents about your break-up?

How Do I Introduce Bae?

You've broken the ice to your parents about your interracial love, and now it's time to introduce your bae-bae to your parents. Simple right? Well, yes, it can be, minus your complex nerves. Let me help you simplify this meeting. 


First things first, choose the date to meet wisely. Is it a busy time of the year? Often times the holidays or long weekends are dedicated to family events, so you'd best avoid those. Not only because those times can be awfully hectic but also, being surrounded by family can create unrealistic expectations for bae by your parents. Remember, you want your introduction to be casual, not "Hey, mom and dad, so and so is joining the family now!" Uh no. 


Secondly, but very important, you want to keep the meeting brief. Have a start and end time to your meeting, this way both parties know what to expect, and don't feel uncomfortable cutting the introduction short. Keeping the first introduction short is also a good way to prevent your parents from prodding to deeply, that can come later, once your parents have gotten over the whole interracial dating bit. 


Choose a non-threatening environment to meet that ensures the meeting doesn't become a big, fat, yellow spotlight on the two of you and your relationship. You also don't want it to be interview-like. This will require some thoughtful planning. A baseball game, a live theatre show or even going out for dessert are all good ways to allow your parents to connect with bae while partaking in another activity. 

Following these three tips will help alleviate your nerves and make introducing your partner easy-peasy. Have any other tips for introducing bae? Please post below!

How To Tell Your Parent's That Bae Is Outside of Your Race

You’ve spent countless hours watching your favourite shows, explored parts of the city you never knew existed, taken epic vacations, and attended every social gathering your friends could conjure up, now what? Well now it’s time to tell your parents that you’ve found the one. Although bae makes you laugh till your stomach hurts, brightens your day with his endless romantic gestures and pushes your imagination beyond your limits, you know this will be tough. Your parents are strict, and expect that you will bring home someone just like you, from your race. So what do you do when bae is not brown? How do you tell your parents? Here are some tips to break the news to your parents that #baeisnotbrown

1. Long before  you want to introduce non-brown bae to your parents, open up the dialogue to interracial dating.

Gauging where your parents stand regarding interracial dating is the best way to get a grasp as to how to tell your parents about bae. Talk to your parents about friends that you know that are in happy interracial relationships. Talk to them about some of the challenges they faced, and how they overcame them. This will provide your parents with examples of successful mixed race couples that they likely do not have in their schema. This is also priming your parents to see mixed race relationships as non-threatening and that "everybody's doing it". They will likely agree with you that your examples are valid, but still put up a fight as to why the benefits of being with someone from your own race outweigh bae. See tip 2 if this is you.

2. Talk to them about problems in marriages between same-race couples

Sometimes it is important to make your parents aware that same-race couples don't always last. I know it might seem petty, but providing them with examples of two birds of a feather that haven't necessarily flocked together, may open their eyes up to seeing that same-race couples don't always make it last. They too can have issues of fidelity, broken trust, lack of honesty, separation, divorce and even abuse. 

3. Set a meeting with your parents to tell them your news

You want to show your parents that you're grown up and ready to make your own decisions? Well this is how you do it. Approach one or both parents, whoever you're going to approach first, and tell them that you have something important you need to share with them and you need an hour of their time uninterrupted. They likely will want to know in the moment, but you will remain silent and insist that this is very important, and their undivided attention is required. This will build their suspense and curiosity, but will also put you on a level playing field with them. 

On the day of your meeting, you will tell them that you've been single for awhile because it's hard to meet someone who has all of the qualities you're looking for. You will then proceed to tell them that you met someone very special and you have begun dating them. They may want to interrupt and interject your news with loads of questions, but you must maintain that you are not finished speaking. Talk to them about all of the great qualities bae has, what he does for a living, his ambitions, all of the positive things that drew you to him in the first place. Do not divulge his name or his race at this point. If they ask, tell them you simply do not want to answer any further questions and that when you know they are the one, you will tell them more. You can explain to them that this is because you respect them and you don't want to introduce just any old chip off the block to them. 

4. Set a meeting with your parents to tell them who bae is

A month or so later, or when you've figured out if bae is the one, tell your parents that you'd like another meeting with them to sit down. Remind them again the great qualities your loved one possesses, your future goals and ambitions, and finally tell them their name. The first question they'll likely ask you is, "Is that a _______ (insert any race other than your own) name?" To which you answer, yes. If all goes well after this, skip to step 6, if you see your parents blood boiling, read step 5. 

5. Expect your parents to throw a tantrum

If you anticipate this will be your parents, then here is where your decision and relationship will be tested. Over and over again. Your parents may throw a tantrum the day you tell them, the day after, the whole week, month, sporadically or even be fine at first, then throw a tantrum later. Whatever the calendar style of venting they choose, you have to remember why it is you told them about your partner in the first place. That is about the only thing that will help you lick your wounds after your parental unit rips apart your relationship, your decision making, your partner, and you. 

It is a trying time, but you will have to stick to your guns if he or she is the one. Just as your parents listened to you patiently opening up about the love of your life, you need to remain silent, and make them feel heard. Don't rebuttal every point they make as this will go on back and forth. Instead, really listen to what they are saying, figure out what their worries and fears are, and when they are done speaking (if they ever do finish), then address their worries. 

Depending on if you're ready to jump the broom, or dating seriously, you're better off letting your parents simmer with the idea that you're taking it slow and really thinking through your decisions. That you'd like to continue dating your partner and see where this relationship takes you. 

If your parents finally calm down, days, weeks or months later, then you're golden and off to step 6. If your parents are not, stay tuned for my post on how to deal with your parents that are disowning you because you’re dating someone outside of your race.

6. Take it slow

If your parents are accepting, take it slow. Don't rush to the races to introduce your partner as the concept of interracial dating may still be a touchy subject for your parents. Every so often, share information about your relationship, one or two pictures, and take your time to introduce your partner. Going about it too fast, can scare your parents and make them second guess your decision making. Once you feel sure that he or she is the one, it's time for your parents to meet bae. Read my post on How To Introduce Bae. 

Why You Shouldn't Tell Your Parent's About Your Interracial Bae

One of the most intimidating events in your life might be telling your conservative parents that you're dating someone outside of your race. Why? Well, in certain cultures, dating outside of your race signifies a multitude of problems. You could be considered a "sell-out", you are too westernized, you weren't brought up properly, you don't respect your culture or your parents for that matter, you are "loose" and the list goes on. I've compiled a list of tips you should consider before telling your parents that you're in love with bae-bae.

1. DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT BAE UNTIL YOU KNOW THEY ARE THE ONE

Coming from a strict culture or not, this tip may or may not be obvious. Introducing your love to your parents should be a big deal. For many of us, it takes a few people to come in and out of our lives before we know for certain that we'd like to spend the rest of our lives with them. Once you introduce your partner to your strict parents, they are likely to have high expectations for your relationship which could put pressure on you and your partner. If you're unsure about your relationship status, this pressure could force you into settling with a person you're not really happy with or breaking up with a person that you really liked. You don't have to know if you're going to marry bae, but you should have a strong feeling about the longevity of your relationship.

2. DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT BAE IF YOU ARE BEING FORCED INTO IT

You probably met your lover's dog on the third date, befriended their mom on Facebook by the 6th date and enjoyed family dinners every weekend for the last year, so it's understandable why he or she no longer wants to be kept a secret. However, telling your parents because your partner wants equal rights may not end up the way he or she envisions. Time is needed for both you and bae to get to know each other, outside of family, to see if you both get along because you genuinely like each other, or if it's the bond with the family that's driving the relationship. Explaining to your partner that you want time to get to know them and assuring them that you love them regardless (over and over), may help alleviate some of their concerns.

3. DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT BAE AS A WAY TO LOCK THEM DOWN

If bae is showing signs of infidelity, lack of interest in the relationship or you, then do not introduce them to your parents as a way to lock them in. Although you may have been telling them for months on end how monumental the introduction will be, this will not keep your boo-boo imprisoned. If bae is already showing signs that they're ready to leave, chances are they'll stick around for a few months longer, and leave when the dust settles. You're putting yourself in a situation where your parents will no longer trust your judgement and it will make your life harder when you actually meet bae 2.0 . 

Gone through the list and think you're ready to tell your parents?

See my post on HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENTS THAT BAE IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR RACE

How I Told My Parents I Was Dating a Black Guy

In my previous post, I wrote about how it became easy for me to date outside of my race without fear of judgement, but telling my parents I was dating someone was a totally different ball game. I'm not speaking for all Tamils, but I will tell you how the Tamil culture shaped my experience growing up, how my parents tried to push the arranged marriage idea on me, and how I finally got the guts to tell my parents about my black boyfriend.

Growing up, my parents made it very clear that I wasn't allowed to date anyone, until I was in University. To them, the most important thing that a young Tamil girl should focus on during her formative years was education. That is, getting A+'s and entering a reputable University. I'm sure many of you can relate to that. They even told me word for word, "once you get into University, you'll be smart enough to choose a good partner."  To some, these ideas may seem prehistoric, but I always considered my parents pretty liberal, being Tamil and all. I thought that them even being open to letting me date and choosing my own partner was groundbreaking, considering they themselves had an arranged marriage.

My parents not only told me that I wasn't allowed to date until I was in university, but also that when I did choose a partner, he had to be Tamil (and by choosing a partner, they obviously meant someone I would marry). Even though I'd already broken the first part of the rule, I didn't mind the second part, because at the time, I had eyes for Tamil guys. I was curious though, why Tamil? I'd often ask them that, and get many valid answers. Well for one, I would be able to preserve my culture for generations onward. Secondly, our families would be able to relate to each other and get along well. There would be no language barrier between relatives who don't speak English well, which would imply he wouldn't feel uncomfortable in social settings. What about religion and spirituality? How would we raise our kids? Oh, and there was the cooking factor. Would he eat Tamil food? What would you cook? When listening to all of their reasons and questions, it made sense. These were all important things to consider before marrying someone. These were all problems a Tamil couple wouldn't have to worry about. 

As I entered my early to mid-twenties, and single, my parents began to worry and started wavering on their rules, discussing the idea of arranged marriages. For some reason, they felt that their "duty" as a parent was incomplete unless I was married. They started asking me if I knew any "suitable" guys. What about this guy that you hang out with? We like his family. This guy over here is studying to be a doctor. When I discussed this with a friend of mine, she pretty much told me that all the good guys were taken, and my prospects were bleak, no insult intended. Feeling low from what I had heard, I tried to picture what my life would be like with some of the guys my parents suggested. I even went out on unofficial dates with this one guy that my parents really liked, although he had no idea we were even talking about him. Everything was perfect on pen and paper, except the fact that I had zero romantic feelings for him. I realized that arranged marriages and even blind dating was not for me.

So when I finally met the love of my life, you can imagine how difficult it was to muster up the courage to tell my parents that he was the one. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Let's cut to the chase. It wouldn't be easy because he's black. Never mind the fact that he's actually half white, because to my parents, and much of society, an ounce of colour denotes you're not "pure". Also, it wouldn't be easy because we weren't at the stage where we were ready to get married. We loved each other, we were crazy about each other and we spent all of our free time together, but we didn't set a date and time for when we'd tie the knot. This made it harder. I had to tell them that I was dating a guy, who wasn't Tamil, who's mixed and we weren't sure if we were getting married or not. Telling my parents was inevitable though, because the signs were all pointing to the fact that I was dating someone seriously. I was either out every weekend or had my door closed, quietly conversing. It became difficult because I started becoming resentful of my parents wishes and I knew it was time to share the truth with them.

I started off telling them that I was seeing someone, but not to ask any further questions. I explained that I would tell them once I was sure he was the one. This made them slightly happy because at least I wasn't a lost cause, at least I had some prospects for marriage. Two to three months down the road, my boyfriend (now husband), didn't understand why he couldn't meet my parents, why he had to be a secret, and I knew I wasn't being fair to him. I had to tell my parents. I couldn't buy any more time from him or my parents. I couldn't prolong the inevitable. I was an adult now, and it was time to put my foot down. I've always been the black sheep, so why stop now.

I sat my mother down one day, because I knew it was her I had to win over and I told her everything. I told her about how wonderful this man was, how inspiring and intelligent he was. How reflective and what a deep-thinker he was. How caring and affectionate he was, and how I was truly happy. I showed her his blog and some pictures of his family. I told her that she had to meet him because we "probably" were getting married. I didn't give her a chance to speak because my strategy was to flood her brain with all of the reasons why she should like him. As I was talking, I knew it was a good sign that she didn't take the broom stick out to beat me, her way of getting control over me when I was a young child. When I finally said all of the things I remembered to say, I looked up at her and waited. She began to speak and her tone wasn't angry. Phew, that was another good sign. Her tone instead was one of a worried mother. She had loads of questions. All of the same questions she'd ask me when I used to ask her why a Tamil guy? I had rebuttals though. Rebuttals for everything. Except one. He's black. I knew what she meant, we all know what she meant, but there's nothing I could do about his skin colour. Her worries stemmed from stereotypes and were borderline prejudiced, but I didn't feel that way about him. I was confident about the man I had chosen and gave her the "he's not like that, he's different" line. That bought me some time, and my mother agreed to meet him.


See my post on WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT BAE
http://www.browngirlblacksheep.com/2015/04/why-you-shouldnt-tell-your-parents.html

My Favourite Flavour - A Brown Girl That Likes Black Guys

I like food so naturally I compared my love interests to food. Sorry if this post is too cheesy (ha ha, yes a food pun) for you, but if you're interested, read on. 

Long before love was in the question, I had friends and crushes that rallied with every flavour at all of the Menchies combined. Chocolate peanut butter topped with sprinkles, strawberry daiquiri with watermelon candies, vanilla with graham cracker bits and caramel syrup, you get the idea. So delicious. There was no correlation between love and colour for me as a young girl. All of my closest friends formed crushes on all types of guys and that became my barometer. Well, until I went to high school. 

I didn't know what it was about high school but suddenly it felt like Menchies took a huge fourth quarter loss, and all they could offer was one flavour, and no toppings. Every Tamil girl I knew was obsessing over a Tamil guy, logging onto infolanka.com (DMs for you youngns') to connect with a Tamil guy, in a long-term relationship with a Tamil guy or dealing with an agent (yes, there are such people!) to get hooked up to a Tamil guy. Since I liked my ice cream, I started getting used to the idea that this was the only flavour available, and I can't lie, the flavour was good. Everybody around me seemed content with the idea as well. My black friends dated black guys. My white friends dated white guys. My Muslim friends abandoned dating all together but eventually found someone just like them too. 

My early 20s really allowed me to discover what my taste in men was. After breaking up with my first real boyfriend, finishing University and losing my two best friends over drama, I felt like a real loser. So naturally, I deactivated my Facebook account and cut myself off from social media. I didn't want anyone knowing who I was and what I was doing, which was pretty much nothing. I became lonely quickly and so I called up what few girlfriends (more like acquaintances) I had left and we'd hit the town. I steered clear of brown guys on our quest to feel alive again, because I didn't want the word to get out to all 400 something of my Facebook friends. I quickly met different types of men. Jobless men to foreign men, Chinese Men to white men. It was refreshing. But what was most refreshing about it, was that I could do whatever I wanted, without judgement. And so I did do whatever I wanted.

So fast forward to today, what's my type? Well, through my experiences I didn't discover anything new that others didn't know already. I simply realized that all men, not just brown men have something special to offer. All men can be providers, protectors, lovers, loyal, not just brown men. When I realized this, I didn't care about being judged any longer. Through time I reactivated my Facebook, rekindled my broken friendships and opened myself up to love in any flavour. Today and forever, my favourite flavour is my husband (who self-identifies himself as mixed black and white). What could be better then the flavour of love, loyalty, passion, honesty and commitment?